“The decision was made last year to move forward with a project long in the works and now it has finally begun”, the Quahog’s smooth voice revealed. “Dinosaurs will soon be recreated. Though scientists have been unable to follow Mr. Spielberg’s blueprint in extracting DNA from fossils, and fear they never will, they have had a breakthrough in the realm of dinosaur creation.
Before I explain, something should first be cleared up about dinosaurs. A common misconception exists, that dinosaurs are extinct. Dinosaurs are not extinct! Turtles are dinosaurs, even chickens are dinosaurs, they just aren’t the claw bearing, poison spitting, building sized ones we all picture when we hear the word; no offense to the turtles or chickens intended.
But back to the breakthrough. Scientists have recently discovered cells, proteins and blood vessels within fossils. This find has led them to believe that they can recreate the ideal dinosaurs through their understanding of atavism. That is, they will take a living fetus and manipulate its genetic makeup to trigger traits common in its ancestors.
Since these findings, a team has been commissioned to rouse the genetics of one of our living dinosaurs and enliven a new one; that effort has been delayed, until now.”
Ossy typically took comfort in "Quid Pro Quo" with the Quodlibetical Quahog, looked forward to tuning in to WNYC for NPR’s top of the hour spot. Not today. It is not nearly as interesting to listen to a story when you already know the details; like watching a movie after someone has told you the ending. Ossy listened on nonetheless.
“They wanted to get it right the first time, the pressure was on and every step of the process audited with anal attention. There was a lot still to be worked out in the genetic realm but first they had to decide what species to base this work on, which living dinosaur they would mold.
A turtle was out of the question because they exist in nearly their original form ipso facto nothing to stir up. So that meant it had to be a bird, but that barely narrowed it down.
With so much riding on this decision, teams were formed to explore every aspect of each species of bird to determine which would be the best candidate for the experiment. Chickens were knocked out quickly, they cannot really fly as it is and it was crucial that the bird be able to fly, even after mutation, so sadly there will be no Chickenosaurus. Geese as well were promptly eliminated, they are too mean; not a pigeon either, they’re too messy; no seagull, they’re too desperate; not a vulture, well, they’re just too ugly.
Now, (the Chatty Clams voice suddenly gains an air of solemnity) finally, after a year of research, analysis and many impassioned debates, the votes are in. It will be the rare Osmotic Osprey whose DNA will be stimulated.
The powers that be decided on this special bird due to the semi-permeable membrane which surrounds its upper body. This makes the hawk incredibly aerodynamic and plausibly able to cope with the weight of larger talons, scales, and the other dinosauric features that will make the new creature appear up to our post-Crichton era standards. As well, the Osprey’s peaceful nature, of course, worked into the decision because, well, they want it to look the part of prehistoric beast but not to play it.
So now we must wait. Wait for the gears to turn, the elements to amalgamate and the egg to hatch. Because, unfortunately, what happens then, for now, can only be hypothesized. But once it is known, trust you will hear it first, through the lips of the Chatty Clam, here on NPR.”
Ossy knew that, in her case, this was not the truth. She would certainly be the first to know; a mother always knows.